When Does Structure Become an Excuse to Control?
After arriving late to a yoga class, Shannon McLaren explores where a helpful structure becomes control. She asks how groups can hold boundaries without shame, and how each person can stay responsible for themselves.
My house. My rules.
I can still hear that old parental phrase. Sure, for dictators!
But is that actually an environment that cultivates belonging?
I recently went to yoga. And I was late. There. I said it.
It was maybe the third or fourth time I've been late in the several years I've been part of this studio. Not exactly a criminal offense, nor a habit. More a reflection of the season of life I'm currently moving through.
The class had already begun. I slipped in quietly during the first few minutes, put my hand to my heart, mouthed I'm sorry to the teacher, and found my place.
Class continued.
At the end of class, the teacher announced to the entire room that going forward, no one arriving late would be allowed in. The doors would be locked when class begins.
She continued that she was sorry, but didn't want to "get in trouble" for letting people in late.
That caught my attention.
I asked in an equally projecting voice why she would be in trouble for what someone else does. That seemed crazy.
She said because she felt bad.
I continued after a beat, same projecting voice, straight out, "You SHOULD DO IT! Lock the doors!"
Then, as I was leaving, I overheard another woman thanking the teacher for "scolding the latecomers."
And there it was. The thing underneath the thing. This wasn't about five minutes anymore. It was about mutual respect.
When Does Structure Become Control?
Don't get me wrong, we need structure. Time is a structure. Appointments are structures.
Relationships have structures. Businesses, families, communities, governments, even our bodies rely upon structures in order to function.
Structure creates containment. But somewhere along the way, a useful structure can become something else. A structure can stop supporting the people within it and begin controlling them.
Where is that place in space where:
Structure is provided, AND we are allowed to be responsible for ourselves within it.
That's where things get interesting. Because belonging does not mean there are no boundaries. Belonging means boundaries don't require humiliation.
My House. My Rules.
That ideology has taught us to confuse authority with control.
My studio. My rules.
Of course, every environment needs agreements. But what happens when maintaining the agreement becomes more important than understanding the Human Being standing inside it?
Because we rarely know what someone else is carrying. Can we remain responsible for ourselves while extending a little compassion to one another, even when everybody doesn't follow the rules perfectly?
Is Your Discomfort Always Harm?
We talk a great deal about creating safe environments. But no environment can guarantee that everyone within it will always be safe, feel safe, or be comfortable. The plain truth is, we activate one another. And I can activate something in you without having done something to you.
My humor may irritate you.
My questions may challenge you.
My enthusiasm may exhaust you.
Hell, my joy may annoy you.
You're allowed.
And your reaction is information worth exploring, just as mine is.
Where do we recognize that experiencing discomfort doesn't necessarily mean someone has harmed us?
Of course, genuine harm happens. Being responsible for our reactions doesn't excuse harmful behavior. It does let us be the agent of our own healing without depending on another's actions or reactions.
What happens when we become so attached to doing things the "right" way that flexibility itself begins to look like a threat?
Life isn't that tidy.
People get stuck behind school buses.
Children throw up.
Meetings run over.
Bodies move slowly.
Grief changes time.
Sometimes we simply screw up.
There has to be room somewhere between chaos and rigidity for the reality of Being Human.
I call that responsibility with flexibility.
Can the people within a structure be allowed to experience themselves, choose whether or not to communicate, and take responsibility for their choices and consequences?
Or does every uncomfortable experience require an authority, a policy, a rule, a public announcement, a third party, or ultimately exclusion?
I can respect your structure without surrendering my personal authority. And you can hold a boundary without making me wrong. And I can experience the consequence of my choice without needing you to punish me for making it.
That's a very different relationship.
We are becoming very good at identifying what other people should stop doing. But are we becoming equally capable of asking:
What is happening in me? And what is mine to do with it?
Those questions require awareness, communication, and personal responsibility.
And here's the paradox: The more we try to create safety by controlling other people's behavior, the less opportunity we give people to become responsible for themselves.
Mutual respect requires consideration. And consideration begins with allowing others the same personal authority we expect for ourselves.
Keep in Mind, This Happened at Yoga Class
Which is perhaps why the experience struck me.
Yoga is a practice fundamentally concerned with self-awareness, relationship, presence, breath, consciousness, and our ability to meet ourselves where we are.
Yet increasingly I find myself curious about what happens when the structure surrounding a practice becomes more important than the purpose of the practice itself.
No Flow.
No OM'ing.
Don't arrive late. Don't leave early.
Follow the protocol.
Do it correctly.
Push through.
Behave appropriately.
At what point are we practicing self-awareness, and at what point are we simply practicing obedience?
I'm not suggesting someone should throw open the doors during Savasana, bang around gathering their belongings, and make a grand exit. But shit happens. Sometimes people need to leave. Is it a disruption? Maybe. Is it a catastrophe? Hardly. And apparently, nobody's missing the OM'ing anyway!
I'm asking something more uncomfortable:
Can our structures remain strong enough to hold us without becoming so rigid that they exclude the humanity they're meant to serve?
Belonging Requires Personal Responsibility
There is another side to this:
I was late.
Not the teacher.
Not the studio.
Me.
Belonging doesn't mean everyone else needs to accommodate my behavior.
Quite the opposite.
If I belong to myself first, then I can take responsibility for myself. I don't need someone else to make me wrong before I recognize that my actions affect a group. And I don't need to make someone else wrong because they created a boundary I don't relate to.
That is where personal authority becomes important.
Responsibility says: I own my behavior.
Control says: I need to manage yours.
Those two things get tangled up all the time. Especially in groups. Someone breaks an agreement. Someone else feels uncomfortable. A rule gets tightened. Someone gets corrected. Another person applauds the correction.
And now
, the resistance to what's happening in the present moment, someone arriving late, makes the disruption BIGGER than the original interruption.
Now the group begins organizing itself around who is behaving correctly and who isn't.
Now belonging quietly becomes compliance.
Who Gets to Belong?
That's the question I've actually been exploring all year.
Do I belong only when I agree?
When I arrive on time?
When I follow the accepted protocol?
When I don't ask the uncomfortable question?
When I state the obvious?
When I behave in a way that makes everyone else comfortable?
Or can I belong while occasionally being inconvenient?
Can I belong while disagreeing?
Can I belong while making a mistake?
Can I belong while being responsible for the consequences of that mistake without being shamed for it?
Because if belonging requires perfect compliance, I'm not sure we're talking about belonging anymore. We're talking about "admission." And admission can always be revoked.
Real belonging needs enough structure to create dependability and enough flexibility to let people remain human during present-moment shenanigans.
We cannot demand personal responsibility from people while simultaneously denying them the personal authority to exercise it.
Maybe that's the practice. Asking:
Does this structure allow us to be responsible for ourselves while participating in the whole?
Or are we simply protecting the rules?
Because there is a difference between holding a space and holding people inside it.
Please share your thoughts in the comments.
For any questions, please contact me: theMysticAgent@gmail.com
For more on Belonging; What Shapes our Sense of Belonging
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